My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
asking santa clause for nudes
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
181.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.