My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A Short Story.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you