him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I just tested negative for patience.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.