Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
dutch so unserious
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*