I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
my dad has had enough
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10