Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex