Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.