I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You Might Also Like
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines