“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
channeling her this year
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread