If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
You Might Also Like
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.