I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
What even happened today?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
rise and shine we got egg
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes