Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results