Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
You Might Also Like
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”