my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
You Might Also Like
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
selfie game
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.