Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
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If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
This kid is a star!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The happy life.. 😊
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
But I really needed water water water
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream