I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I drew y’all a little something.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.