I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…