A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
when someone rings the doorbell
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Schrödinger’s cookie
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts