“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.