Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Lmao
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.