DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah