bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder