– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Best mom ever 😂
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.