The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient