The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
It do be feeling this way.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.