She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped