Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
never compromise your values
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*