Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
You Might Also Like
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
any last words?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs