Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.