The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
#Caturday
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.