Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You Might Also Like
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.