Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
You Might Also Like
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)