Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.