melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will