I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Fiction has to make sense.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”