[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The Compass
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.