[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You Might Also Like
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Awwwww shit.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.