Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
What a website
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”