Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn