Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Pass gas, not judgment.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t