Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?