attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.