Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*