My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
so, is there a mister shapen head
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.