let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Its a hippotatomus
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes