Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’