me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69