Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
i’m sure it’s fine
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Please do it!
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I am laughing way too hard at this.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
i did the math
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!