Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
unbelievably distressed by this ad
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My first son he is wonderful
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.