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Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.